6 Steps for Resolving Conflict in your relationship


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Everyone wants to be right.

That’s a fact. It’s human nature.

Based on this observation, the first thing to ask yourself is to know what you expect from your relationship.

“We have a choice in our life between being happy and being right. –Marshall
B. Rosenberg.

To be right you have understood it, finally it is about the ego. And trying to end a conflict by debating who is right I will say it clearly: it sucks.

It’s wanting to build a relationship with a winner and a loser. And in this type of relationship there is nothing fulfilling.

Because everyone can be right even without agreeing. But the reflex we have is to want to impose our vision of things.

And there we can quickly go on an escalation pattern, one word always above another to end up with words that go beyond our thoughts.

The love killer par excellence.

There is only ever a sound of a bell. There is only ever one vision of life.

So, when your partner resists your ideas, there are principles you must apply if you choose to be happy in a relationship and have a win-win relationship.

Mistakes not to make

  • Don’t say anything about how you feel
  • Let go of everything without controlling your emotions
  • Beating around the bush with spikes and creating new problems
  • Giving advice like “if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it”
  • Arguing endlessly to be right or for the pleasure of contradicting
  • To ironize: “you’re handsome/beautiful when you get angry..”
  • Order: “we do it like this and that’s it”
  • Threatening: “If we don’t do what I want, next time I won’t ask you anything more.”
  • Criticize
  • moralizing
  • Analyze: “If you react like that, it’s because you’re not thinking..”
  • Reassure: “it’s nothing, don’t worry, don’t put yourself in this state..”
  • And most fatal of all: The TU messages

The accusing YOU

When you say what’s wrong by twisting your sentences by emphasizing the YOU, therefore the other… ouch ouch ouch.

For instance :

  • it’s always the same with you, you never let me know..
  • You disrespect me.
  • You forgot to do this.
  • You promised this.
  • You don’t listen to me.
  • You you you…ah help!

By doing this, you only reinforce the ego of the other person in front who will automatically put themselves on the defensive and raise all the gear to protect themselves from your attacks.

Attacks which in your eyes will certainly be legitimate.

But anything you say won’t count, even if it could have been relevant.

Instead, you have to apply very simple things that will allow you to defuse the situation and open the discussion.

The 6 steps to defuse a conflict.

1. Look at the facts and the consequences

As I said, everyone wants to be right, so they approach the situation rather with detachment.

The other is late for the appointment you have set. As a result, you have to wait in the cold while you are an impatient person and you will have to run so as not to miss the start of the cinema session.

2. Ask yourself what you think about it

It’s always the same, he/she is always late, he/she abuses and disrespects me. He/she was in no rush to see me.

Here we are in the mind. And it will just be a matter of observing your thoughts and letting them go and then introducing the next real question.

3. Ask yourself how you feel

This is the key to the message you are going to convey. It takes precedence over what you think about.

You are stressed, anxious, annoyed to have to wait and then rush and risk missing the start of the film.

And physically, what do you feel? Do you tense up, do you have a tight throat, a heavy heart,…?

4. Express your feelings about the facts by talking about yourself.

Instead of the message YOU, formulate what you feel about the factual.

What you mentalize in step 2 will make you want to argue for being right while what you feel in step 3 really speaks for you.

Step 3 + Step 1:  I feel annoyed when I find myself waiting when then I will have to hurry and I will be stressed…

You reproach the facts that have a real consequence on your well-being instead of accusing the other on what he is.

5. Active listening

Everyone comes with their world. For your world, your truth to be heard, you must already validate the existence of the other’s world.

It’s a crazy thing all the same how we can not listen to each other.

Once you have expressed your feelings, do the reverse work. Just listen to the other this time without bringing the situation to yourself and understanding.

Without judging what is said.

Do this test of just listening to the other person’s opinion while trying not to antagonize you if you don’t agree. And rephrase in your own words what he said.

“So I understand that you were held back by your job and you had no choice and that you were also stressed about having to drive fast…”

I’m not saying pretend to be ok with what is being said if you’re not.

But you just know the  “yes but you last time you did that well and I didn’t say anything” … this kind of argument only deflects the problem and accumulates reasons to prolong the conflict.

So listen and rephrase.

Even if you don’t agree with what is being said, that doesn’t take away from its reality.

If the other felt it in a certain way it is true from his point of view.

So don’t minimize because whether he’s wrong or not, it’s still an emotion that your partner has experienced.

“Everything is true and false at the same time: such is the character of the true law. Buddha

6. Share your expectations

If you don’t say what would make you feel good in the relationship, the other won’t be able to guess.

You must also be able to identify your deepest fears and formulate them so that the other can understand your reactions and adjust what he wants to bring you.

Otherwise you will only be projecting your fears and you will wait indefinitely for the other to understand you.

You can end your explanation with something like  “I hope you understand, it’s important to me because it’s a form of respect between us and I need to feel respected”.

Even if you know each other by heart, a healthy relationship should always be clear about what each expects from the other. Only then can solutions be found.

I can’t repeat it enough there are a lot of unconscious things on which we don’t work the same so take your reasoning out of your head  “yes but it’s obvious, he/she could think about it without me telling him..”  . .No.

It’s obvious to you only, in your world, in your truth.

This does not mean either that each must necessarily comply with the expectations of the other, but let’s say that if this is not the case, it is a choice.

It is done in conscience. It’s up to you to see if it’s bad faith or a conflict of values.

Conflicts of solutions and conflicts of values.

If the conversation goes around in circles, you have to be careful to clearly identify whether it is a conflict of solutions or a conflict of values.

Do you have a problem related to something everyday where everyone has their solution and everyone wants to impose it on the other?

In this case, the idea will be to find a common solution that meets everyone’s needs.

And in the case where the conflicts are of the order of your convictions, of your beliefs very often the solution will not necessarily be to find a solution but to still learn to communicate better to understand each other.

In the conflict of values ​​you have to be honest with yourself too and ask yourself how much you love the other because in any case we have to deal with our differences.

Many think that having the last word is a form of respect when ultimately respect is more about loving the other no matter how different their feelings and beliefs are, right?

If you liked this article, tell me in the comments and share it with as many people as possible.

As if everyone knew which button to press to annoy the other and that in addition he could hide behind a little desire to provoke.

So you react to the quarter turn. Either by flight, or by affront or by withdrawal.

There are couples who nurture this mode of communication, unfortunately because they only know that.

Only it can end up being really destructive in the long run.

And it’s not love.

So if you want to be able to say everything you think without starting a war, I explain how to defuse a conflict in 6 key steps.

Everyone wants to be right.

That’s a fact. It’s human nature.

Based on this observation, the first thing to ask yourself is to know what you expect from your relationship.

“We have a choice in our life between being happy and being right. –Marshall
B. Rosenberg.

To be right you have understood it, finally it is about the ego. And trying to end a conflict by debating who is right I will say it clearly: it sucks.

It’s wanting to build a relationship with a winner and a loser. And in this type of relationship there is nothing fulfilling.