Attached to what?… to whom?… for whom?… for what reasons?…
You fall for a chocolate cake in front of a pastry shop. You enter the bakery and the saleswoman announces that it is a chocolate cake with nuts (and we imagine that you are allergic to nuts). Are you still going to fall for this little pleasure?
Your ex seems perfect except that he is unfaithful and your primary values are loyalty and fidelity.
Are you really in love with him or do you project onto him the fantasy of the perfect and faithful man?
Well, I grant you, comparing your ex to a chocolate cake may seem a little short, but when you think about it, how do you know exactly if you love or if you project your ideal to which you are attached ?
You might think that attachment is a projection of what you want or don’t want to let go, and love fills you with joy and happiness no matter what.
Attachment or love?
“I love wearing this dress, even though it doesn’t fit perfectly. I keep these beautiful pants in my closet which no longer suit me, but I want them because before I was beautiful in them”.
In attachment we want our personal happiness (if you love me I am happy) in love we want the happiness of the other (if I love you I want your happiness).
I invite you to think about the different situations in your life as a couple and to understand if you are looking for your happiness or that of the other. Reciprocal love is based on “I love you and I want your happiness” and not on “I use you to be happy”.
Let’s take an example :
Take the example of Karine! Her relationship has been in regular conflict for two years. She reproaches Pierre (rightly) for not taking care of her and for prioritizing his work and his friends before her. She is unhappy.
But her husband Pierre replies that he loves her but that he needs to invest in his work and relax with his friends. (obviously a pretext! if he loved her, he would hear her request and find a compromise to make her happy).
In this case, Pierre thinks of his personal happiness (attachment) and not of Karine’s happiness.
Another example ?
That of Laeticia. Rémi left him suddenly after ten years together and two children.
One morning, Rémi announces to Laeticia that he has met someone at his workplace and is going to live with her.
Laeticia is destroyed! She is depressed for three months and decides to be accompanied. She goes through all the emotions (denial, anger, spirit of revenge, sadness, depression…).
And then she slowly regains a taste for life. She realizes from that moment that Rémi no longer made her happy and that her relationship was no longer up to her convictions.
She discovers that Rémi has given her a completely different face through his selfishness, other than the one she had projected onto him. The veil is lifted, she cannot be in love with a man who is disrespectful and cowardly towards her.
A few months go by and Rémi makes an appointment with Laeticia (his girlfriend dumped her!)
He gives her the perfect gentleman trick and plays the seduction. He doesn’t forget to tell her about their family life…
Laeticia lets herself be seduced (back to what she knows). Life resumes and a few weeks later, Rémi resumes his old habits.
Laeticia stays, she wants to believe it and yet time passes and Rémi does not change!
Do you think Laeticia is:
Symptoms of Attachment
Attachment makes you unhappy, it is full of fears. That of being hurt, of losing what we know, of losing our dreams.
Humans in general are afraid of the unknown and of change. Of course, some people have lower fears of change than others.
You know why ? They simply trust each other in this area.
Can we sum up the attachment in love by saying that if you are attached to a relationship and you stay there by being unhappy, it is because you lack self-confidence? (in this context of course).
You prefer to imagine staying or even the return of your “beloved” to keep ” this comfort ” that you know so well.
If I sum it up, it might look like this:
- Love = Happiness, joy (despite the vagaries of life)
- Attachment = unhappy, lack of fulfillment
The goal is not only to know if you are in love or attached to the relationship, but to know if this couple makes you or made you fully happy and fulfilled.