Being a divorced and caring parent is not easy!
It’s not always easy to keep your composure, your calm and not want to rot your ex in front of the children…. Yet remain benevolent when you are a divorced parent, towards your children in the eyes of your ex, is paramount.
Yes, I know, you are angry with him, you have resentments , maybe you have even been betrayed, maybe your ex does not respect certain aspects of the separation or the divorce decree… Your ex makes life hell… Your ex does not pay child support, your ex leaves you in a difficult situation. Or, you are simply suffering , and you want to make him pay for your suffering.
In short, the list of grievances, even justified, is not exhaustive, I know it well and I also know, from experience, that it is extremely difficult to remain zen in any situation.
Rules to protect your children
I’m going to give you the 10 GOLDEN RULES to be caring when you are a divorced parent.
These golden rules, I decided to apply them even if I failed, too, but the price to pay was so terrible that now I no longer derogate from them and above all I give them to all. customers to absorb them, learn them by heart if necessary, as it is essential to be a benevolent parent with your children when you are divorced.
These Golden Rules come from the Positive Separation Method™, a method proven since 2008 to overcome a divorce or separation. I first set up this method for personal purposes in order to get out of the “survival” mode that I had been using for a few years during which I was unable to recover, then I shared it because it works !
But what if we talked about these famous golden rules to be put in place to be a benevolent divorced parent?
The 10 golden rules for being caring when you are a divorced parent
In addition to taking care of yourself and maintaining your energy and positive attitude, there are many ways to support your children during the separation and after. Here are some of my golden rules for navigating the murky waters of a separation when children are involved.
- Consider how best to support each of your children.
Each child requires a different approach. A family therapist, coach or child therapist is often of great value and will guide you through the process.
- Don’t speak negatively about the other parent.
Spare your children the negative details, the accusations, and don’t point fingers at the actions of the other parent. The reason for your separation is only the fact that you were no longer happy together. That’s the only reason kids should know. And then “basher” your ex in front of the children can be good in the short term, and especially for you, it lets off steam, but in the long term, it will make things really difficult for your children.
- Children are entitled to both parents.
Except for cases of abuse, neglect, or other conditions that would make your children feel insecure with your ex, preventing your children from seeing their other parent will do more harm than good. Even if you prefer to avoid contact with your ex, parenthood is a 50/50 right, so make sure the other parent has a clear role to play, even if the children live with you continuously.
- Make clear arrangements for everyone’s roles, different deadlines and on-call schedules.
And keep your commitments (I know how difficult it is!) for the good of the children and clarity in the organization. This clarity children need! They need routines, all this reassures them and even more so with separated parents.
- Don’t forget to have fun!
Take time to enjoy your children, laugh and play. Doing activities with them, playing, paying attention to them even if you are in the midst of chaos is the best gift you can give them.
- Don’t use your children as a messenger between you and your ex.
If you have something to say to your ex, tell him directly. And if you don’t talk to each other anymore, write to him! Whether by email, text message or even by post. Imagine for a moment a child who has to repeat a message that does not come from him, or even does not concern him directly, or even worse, this child does not even agree with the content of the message, it is very borderline “manipulative” and it is especially terrible for the child.
- Do not argue in their presence.
This renders them powerless and completely destabilizes them. Remain friendly or neutral when picking up or dropping off the kids or any other interactions that may occur where your ex is present.
- If you have negative emotions, deal with them alone.
If you’re struggling with this, or if you feel like the kids are your only avenue for support right now, seek professional help. They cannot and should not take over your emotions.
- Don’t let your new partner talk negatively about your ex or your past family life in front of you and your kids .
Again, this is not about your kids, just about you and your relationship with your new partner. Explain to him that your past belongs to you and your new partner who is part of your new life should not address this type of subject, especially in the presence of children, it would create tension and poison your relationship with both your children and your new partner.
- Remember that you are constantly setting an example for your children on how to overcome a crisis situation.
Thus, adopting a balanced behavior as a parent can have long-term positive consequences for them.
Your new life awaits – and your children have the chance to share in the new future you are creating. Do whatever is necessary to maintain your vision of a positive and happy future.
You will be happy – again – and if you are happy, those you love will be happy too!