Everyone has asked this question at least once in their life. Today I want to give you some clues so that you can answer this question…
1. How to identify if your relationship is toxic?
But think about it… how long has this situation been going on? Too long you know.
There are situations where you have to know how to choose yourself before choosing the other. You are not responsible for the happiness of the other if this one is not in agreement with himself. I know you would do anything for him, for your relationship: because you truly love him. However, you are suffering, this relationship does not make you fully fulfilled. Remember, how many times do you argue with your partner a week? Every day. How many tears have flowed since you met? Yes, almost daily is already too much. How long has it been since you fell asleep quickly and peacefully? You don’t even remember the last time. So it’s up to you to take stock and above all, to start working on yourself and your couple.
Your goal is to try to identify the relational pattern in which your couple is anchored. Once identified, this will allow you to act. Unite your courage and your last strength to change this pattern which obviously… does not make you (or any more) happy. Where to start ? I will help you, I will guide you. Start by loving yourself almost as much as you love your spouse. Trust yourself to finally realize what you deserve. You deserve to be loved at your fair value and that your fears are listened to. Then, here are some existing diagrams allowing you to identify with one of them:
- Emotional dependence
The manifestations: your spouse makes you feel guilty when you take your time for yourself, he doesn’t leave you much alone time, he is angry with you when you don’t want to accompany him somewhere.
- Paradoxical communication
Demonstrations: your spouse gives you the choice in appearance. When you make a choice, he blames you for not having made the other possible choice. Communication is very difficult, you are often forced to meet their expectations.
- Run away from me I follow you, follow me I run away from you
The manifestations: the relationship is not stable yet it is intense. You and your partner are out of sync. As soon as one is very much in love, the other flees and seems indifferent.
Whatever the patterns that seem to suit you, it is important to talk about them, to get advice to get your relationship off to a healthy and happy start.
2. Have the strength to change your situation
Do you feel transparent? That the people you love don’t notice you? But stop. You CAN change things.
And finally, doesn’t the way we look at ourselves define the way others look at us? Don’t try to change the other, rather change the vision you have of yourself. This little guide to self-confidence gives you the keys to seduce YOURSELF before you want to seduce the other. And finally, get to meet the person who really suits you, who deserves you, with whom you can trust.
Step by step, move towards change by following this guide:
- Strengthen your self-esteem, it will help you better understand your emotions. Manage your emotions and don’t let your emotions manage you. Thanks to this, you will be more in control of your choices and will appear more confident.
What the other will see: a reliable, secure, stable and protective person.
- Change the way you communicate with yourself: talk about yourself in a positive way, take time to look at yourself in the mirror, and take time to feel attractive. Who said shopping wasn’t therapeutic?
What the other will see: a person who knows how to take care of himself, and will therefore be able to take care of others.
- Take initiative. How long have you been registered at the gym without actually going? Yes I know, that’s the annoying question. But let’s start there, it’s a good start. Motivate yourself, and achieve the projects you dream of, it will make you proud.
What the other will see: a person who keeps his words, who has principles and who knows how to invest in the long term… including in a couple relationship.
- Know your qualities. Or rather should I say: know your qualities? It’s up to you to look for them, and to highlight them.
What the other will see: stars, fireworks, butterflies in the stomach… I think you’ve already seduced her.
3. Break the prejudices of the “perfect” couple
Doubts, insecurity, fear of the future.
Is that how you feel when you think about your current relationship situation?
But who said you had to give up?
We are always presented with love as a phenomenon, of course, linear… Love can indeed appear like that in moments of happiness, but what about the rest? Difficult times are also part of true love. Crises, disputes, doubts are ultimately part of love and can even strengthen it! If during these difficult and endless times, you have the will to get out of it, it’s already a giant step! Think about the moments of happiness, how you were fulfilled, think about what your couple has already gone through so far. Once the disputes and doubts are behind you, your couple will grow out of it. The whole thing is to have confidence in yourself, in your couple, and to accept the difficulties to face them. You are not alone, you are not alone.
4. Communicate your fears effectively
I’m afraid of suffering. I’m afraid of hurting him. But I don’t want to lose that person. I am lost.”
I bet the phrase speaks to many of you. Yet you can’t imagine how easy it can be to get out of this situation.
We’re not going to hide it, there are certain worries that we don’t dare communicate to the other for fear of hurting them! We have the will to preserve the people we love, it’s natural of course. But yet we feel a lack of closeness, a lack of tenderness, a lack of attention. You certainly hope that this lack will pass with time so you prefer not to talk about it.
- But in the end, isn’t this a big mistake?
- Don’t you want the person you love to let you know when there’s a problem?
Personally I prefer to know how my spouse feels in our relationship, even if it can hurt me!
- Wouldn’t communication be the key to your anxiety and your discomfort?
Talking isn’t easy, it takes conscious effort. But it may be that the other can reassure you in a way that you would not even have imagined. It may be that the other also feels a lack that he dared not share with you.
- But if we don’t communicate his doubts, his fears, his anxieties how could you have known?
Communicating is learned, and it is learned with the other. Communicate, it seems simple as a word oh yes? Yet remember the things we didn’t dare say to you for fear of hurting you, remember the times when he didn’t dare dig into the bottom of the problem. We learn grammar, we learn lexicon, we learn syntax for everything, does he really know how to communicate?
I think some men need to learn how to communicate. Learn not to hurt others by their words, learn to respect women by their actions.
This text is addressed to you, yes to you. Who has already been betrayed, who was left without a word, without any explanation.
For 2020 I would like him to respect you a little more, I would like him to be kind to you and your family, I would like him to give you an explanation of the why and how of his actions.
He calls himself a man yet he is not capable of being honest, sincere and sensitive. We must kill this myth that says men have no right to cry. Kill this idea that men seem “weak” when they talk about their feelings.
You need him to open up to you, to share his feelings, his feelings, his life!
The worst thing is that he finds excuses, supposedly that he has been betrayed far too much to now trust and open up. You don’t have to question yourself, he’s the problem. He is the one who should change his behavior so that he is worthy of your love and trust. You don’t have a super power: even if he blames you for not reacting as he would have liked, remember that you don’t have the power to know what he thinks, what he wishes, what ‘he feels. So he can’t blame you. So he can’t blame you for anything insofar as he hasn’t been clear, honest. By clear I mean, clear with words, not with innuendo. It’s so easy to delegate the blame to someone else when you dare not take responsibility. Don’t doubt yourself, you have nothing to do with it.
If only he had told you all that… if only he had exposed his feelings to you the future could have been different.
5. Love yourself before loving others
My childhood friend told me this afternoon about these couple problems. First of all it surprised me, they represent in the eyes of all the perfect relationship, with a perfect love. Then, when my friend explained to me why and how… I understood.
Here is the situation briefly: everything was fine until the day her husband fell into depression. Unfortunately, this kind of disease spares no one, not even a solid couple.
Followed by long arguments caused by the sudden change of mood of gentleman. Then a lot of misunderstandings and things left unsaid. Gradually the couple spent less and less time together.
A few years later there was a clearing in their couple: Mr. is in remission, their complicity returns little by little, their couple is doing almost as before. I say “almost”. My friend does not know how to go from thinning to full sun, in other words: how to remedy the situation. Because now they have everything to become happy again.
They tried everything together: communicating, bouquets of flowers, long meals by candlelight, sweet words, improvised weekends… Nothing worked.
When she tells me her story, from the outside one thing strikes me: but you, do you trust yourself? Could it be that during all this suffering period you would not have abandoned yourself for the other?
I wonder, because I know that for the people we love we would do anything. I think you got lost along the way, and you wanted to do everything to make your husband smile again, you forgot what made you a person with his own identity, his desires, his need to feel beautiful.
6. The different phases of the couple
Do you wonder if the functioning of your couple is “normal”? Then this text is for you.
Love as we imagine it and as we are told:
Fireworks, sequins, certainty, butterflies in the belly every day, each sexual relationship is unique and grandiose, unconditional lack as soon as the other leaves to look for bread, permanent agreement even on the education of children, relationship sex at least 4 times a week, intense joy, fusion…
Does this sound wrong to you too?
I’ll explain why:
Love evolves, love is felt differently by different people, everything is in perpetual motion. It is cyclical for the simple and good reason that love is made up of three major phases:
- Phase 1: The illusion of the other. After this meeting, this crush, the beginning of this new relationship, your minds get to know each other, your bodies learn to mingle. So far so good. So good that you idealize the other, he seems perfect to you, he makes you dream.
- Phase 2: Derealization. The passionate phase is over, everyday life and reality come to interfere. You realize the obvious: yes ok it has some flaws. The first arguments and the first disagreements arrive.
- Phase 3: This is real love, however imperfect it may be. This is where it all comes down to, where you make an informed choice about “is this the right person for me?”, “could I see a happy future with you?”.
And… you choose to be together regardless. Despite your respective flaws, despite the fact that he doesn’t ultimately represent the man you had fantasized about.
This is why love is so complicated, so unpredictable and so changeable…
To help you see things more clearly, I suggest you list all the qualities that seem essential to you in a couple relationship and in your ideal partner. Then you can list all the qualities that your spouse represents, as well as your relationship. Once these two lists are made, you can compare them. It’s about comparing your expectations to your reality.
Are there essential things missing? If so, are they compensated by things that you weren’t expecting but that fills you all the same?
This technique will allow you to take stock, refocus on your priorities and calm your anxieties.
Last thing… don’t forget to let go once in a while. Control is not the solution to your anxieties, you must learn to listen to yourself in good times and in bad. Relationships are not linear, perfect, and clear.
Let yourself be carried away by your feelings.
7. Fear of commitment
How to live with someone who does not assume?
Disappointment when your spouse makes promises to you without fulfilling them.
Fear when he tells you that you may not be the one for him.
Anger when he refuses to introduce you to his family.
Sadness when he refuses to take your hand in public.
Do you share these emotions?
I could still name many other emotions that define you. Frustration, anxiety, hatred, loneliness, jealousy…
Because yes I know what you’re going through, it’s painful. Being in a relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment puts you in a climate of daily fear, insecurity, perpetual disappointment.
I would be lying to you if I told you that I have a miracle recipe so that he can finally commit.
Don’t worry, I can still help you.
Here are some tips that will help you see things more clearly:
- Think about whether you see a possibility of short-term evolution with the current situation of your couple
- Ask yourself how long this situation has been going on
- List your medium and long-term desires, could your spouse achieve them with you despite his fear of commitment?
- List the negative feelings that you experience most often.
All these small actions will allow you to become aware of your emotions. Your discomfort may be more intense than you would have imagined. It may be more urgent to preserve yourself than to continue to hope. Your reality is gradually moving away from what you wanted…
It may be time to choose yourself and not to choose the other to move forward.
Stop… I can already hear you telling me “he’s going to change”, “he’s going to make an effort”…
No. you deserve to be sure of yourself, you deserve to be made happy and fulfilled.
When you will still feel this heavy feeling of disappointment, resentment, towards your spouse, towards your relationship, rising in you, do not hesitate to read these few lines. Maybe what will help you finally get what you hope for, what you deserve.
Here it is… You have all the keys in hand to answer this famous question. One essential thing remains for you to learn: your limits, your desires, to really know yourself. To be able to love others in a healthy way but above all to be loved as you deserve.