Infidelity and Divorce: 5 Tips for Moving on After Your Spouse Cheats


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Overcoming infidelity, this deep feeling of betrayal brings up a lot of questions. Questions that we will answer today in this article because they are an integral part of the reconstruction .

I am often asked if there is something we could have done to avoid infidelity or we say to ourselves that we have not done enough, in fact, it is a lot of criticism that the we make ourselves.

1- Stop feeling guilty

You think you are responsible for this relationship that ended because someone left you, or because you were forced to leave because of deception and betrayal.

Knowing that we have been lied to, sometimes for a very long time, when we trusted it is extremely painful to live with because, heartbroken, we tend to blame ourselves and feel guilty.

You think you did something wrong that caused the infidelity, you don’t have to blame yourself for something someone else did to  you .

You are not the reason this relationship ended. The relationship ended because of the other person, because they wanted it to end for some reason you can’t control.

2- The infidelity of the narcissistic pervert

If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissistic pervert, you know that he won’t face up to it and never admit that he was the one who ended the relationship by doing so. He won’t admit that he needed someone else to fuel his narcissism. He will do anything to make you feel guilty.

What they do is they run away and they do something very hurtful to you. Because their goal is to cause pain and YOU in particular. Moreover, the unfaithful narcissistic pervert will manage to be discovered. Because the interest here again is to set up the suffering, the humiliation, the drop in self-esteem and confidence in your partner.

3- Why was my ex unfaithful?

In cases of infidelity where your ex is not a narcissistic pervert, it is possible to consider a whole host of reasons and very often reasons that we cannot control. I would like to dwell on the infidelity that relates to a romantic relationship, a real relationship, not a one night cheat. Why am I making the distinction?

Because I think that a one night cheat is the result of an impulse, of a feeling of regaining freedom, independence and does not necessarily jeopardize the couple and the family. If these one night cheats are repetitive, they can fill a need, a lack. But again, there is no love in one-night stands and the couple may not be impacted. This is certainly due to a lack of communication, needs or lacks not expressed by the cheating spouse. Maybe he or she tried to talk about it to the other without being heard, or maybe he or she doesn’t want to talk about it at all and prefers to fill the gap elsewhere, in all discretion, in order to preserve his couple.

Infidelity and its causes are many. Today the subject is infidelity leading to a love relationship with a person, who is not your spouse. This infidelity that will lead to a separation or a divorce because either the spouse decides to leave to live their relationship fully, or because it is discovered by the deceived person.

Each case is unique and particular. I cannot mention all the cases here. I just want to talk about the suffering of the deceived person and the guilt they may feel.

So I’m going to start from an example, the case of a woman cheated on by her husband, but obviously I don’t mean by that that only men are unfaithful, that’s not my vision, there are also a lot of women. unfaithful. But we must start with an example.

4- How to manage the pain of infidelity?

Shock

When we discover that we are cheated. It’s a shock, the world collapses, we feel intense pain, and we start to ask ourselves questions.

Why me ? Since when ?

We redo the film back to the last few months to look for a change in behavior, signs.

We turn into a private detective to find out who she is, what she looks like, what does she have more than me? What does she do more than me?

And we go to the confrontation, after looking for evidence, we throw it in his face. We want to understand, we want to know the importance of this relationship, we want to know everything down to the smallest detail, but above all we want him to end this relationship or leave.

And this is the period of threats.

Pain

The suffering can begin the day when, without ever having perceived anything, one evening he says: “we have to talk: here, I met someone, I want us to separate. And there your world falls apart. And as before, we are going to replay the film of his life to look for signs, proofs and it is possible that we will not find any. Because his goal is not to cause pain, he just fell in love with someone else and before being sure of his decision, he will have been discreet.

A multitude of feelings will then overwhelm us, this feeling of betrayal, of loss of confidence in the other, this feeling of having lived with someone who was not authentic, this feeling of loss of self-esteem and of self-confidence. And then of course, anger, sadness and blackmail.

We feel lost and responsible for the end of the relationship. And we’re going to try everything so that the relationship doesn’t end like that.

5- How to rebuild after a betrayal like infidelity?

Let go

You will have to do work that repositions everyone’s responsibilities in their place and that will help to restore your self-confidence and your self-esteem. Its very important.

You have to be aware that there are things that you cannot control or master. And so you cannot be held responsible for it. Analyze the situation with hindsight and discernment.

Can you control what your spouse thinks?

Can you control what he says, does, feels?

Can you control his decisions?

Can you control the past?

The answer to all of these questions is NO. So if the answer is no, how can you feel responsible for your spouse’s infidelity?

You cannot redo the past, there is no point in going back on your behavior and making yourself feel guilty with “I should have been like this, I should have done that”. You may have made mistakes but they are your mistakes, don’t go back on them, they were made, it’s a fact. On the other hand, the lesson to be learned is not to reproduce them in the future. But he too, made mistakes, it is not you who are responsible for HIS infidelity. He is only responsible for it. He made a decision, his own, he may have been overwhelmed by his emotions, he may have fallen in love. What can you do against it? Absolutely nothing.

You can’t control what he likes, what he thinks, what he does. It’s not up to you.

STOP comparing

the pain of infidelitySo once you have agreed to understand that you are not responsible for his actions or his feelings. Don’t feel guilty.

Everything you can think of this infidelity is only interpretation in relation to your own feelings, your own history, your own experience.

Any comparison questions you ask about his new partner do more harm than good. Is she prettier than you? She’s smarter than you? She’s younger? She is thinner?

She would be MORE and you less ???

Tell yourself that this man chose you one day and loved you, that you are perhaps also the mother of his children, that he spent more time today with you than with her.

Really, isn’t it you who are MORE of everything than her?

Recover your respect

You are not worth LESS than her. For sure. It’s just for you to stop comparing yourself. Comparing yourself to someone you don’t know can only lower your self-confidence.

You are you, and you need to regain your self-confidence. Today, think of yourself. The priority is you. Rebuild yourself and move on. Focus on your qualities and your potential and reconnect with yourself.

The relationship is over, you are not responsible for another person’s feelings. Try telling yourself that you could also have met, fallen in love and stopped everything. Yes it is possible, yes it can happen.

 

In any case, you, you know your value, don’t forget it and you will overcome this relationship that is ending, you will come out of it stronger. Believe in yourself !