As we know, stress is an internal reaction of adaptation in order to face a threatening, unknown or unpredictable situation. Through our thoughts, we often create and maintain a state of stress despite the fact that our system needs to return to the normal state of serenity or recovery and unfortunately it is common for a couple to perpetuate this vicious circle through the power struggle.
If the stress is too intense or prolonged, a state of exhaustion develops in people. This state makes us more reactive and sensitive to any stressor. This is why it is important to foresee good stress management in order to create the appropriate physiological, emotional and psychological reactions necessary for action and to regain our balance as soon as possible, for us, our couple. and our family.
It is true that our partner can be a stressor for us, because he is there to bring to the surface the feelings experienced in childhood. This means that most of the disturbing feelings triggered in us during the relationship come from our past.
In fact, we estimate that 90% of the frustrations our partner feels are actually issues related to their childhood. And so, we are only responsible for about 10%. Does it make you want to be more aware , caring and for yourself and your partner?
Dysfunctional coping strategies
Our brain is on alert and captures the information around it. If our partner is stressed, it will be easily triggered especially if he has not worked on his childhood wounds. The same is true for us because we are interdependent. What is your stress strategy?
- denial, denial
- Diversion, evasion or distancing
- Avoidance, flight or isolation (the turtle)
- Repression (such as the turtle)
- Emotional attack and release (such as the octopus)
Any diversion can be addictive and destroy our relationships and our lives
Avoidance can be useful in certain dangerous situations such as being followed by suspicious individuals. However, when avoidance, attack, or any strategy gets in the way of confronting or dealing with a problem, it is emotionally, psychologically, and physically harmful. Many of us use the strategy of avoidance and attack because it is part of the stress reactions, but in doing so we get stuck in the spiral of stress and destroy our relationships.
Avoidance accentuates the problem simply because it prevents us from solving it. We believe that the status quo exists and that it is not harmful, but this state is illusory. We use the word status quo to say that a situation is not changing, but all things are constantly changing, everything is moving and time is constantly influencing us. If we look into our environment, nothing remains unscathed. A house or a car deteriorates if we leave it without maintenance. The status quo is actually a degradation. The same goes for our relationships and our couple.
Consumption of alcohol, drugs or food, provoking arguments to distract from the problem, cyberaddiction, electronic games, work and many other things can serve as a diversion to escape reality and our emotional suffering.
Emotional release serves to focus on negative emotions and express them instead of looking for a way to solve the source of the problem. This strategy leads to an increase in stress hormones, creates conflict and leads to the alienation of those who could help and support us, which only succeeds in making things worse.
Let’s co-create with life instead of struggling or victimizing ourselves, we can stop fighting. I give you three very simple and very effective strategies to restore love, security and trust in your relationship. We should not wait for things to get better by themselves. We must be proactive and put love in conscience in our couple.
As we have mirror neurons, we feel the stress of our partner then we could use these same neurons to make feel all the love that we have for him or for her. When we notice that our partner is going through great difficulties, we can make life easier for them at home so as not to perpetuate this discomfort.