How to “Make your relationship as a couple a joint venture ”?
The complexity of life today is sometimes disconcerting. Was it simpler in the past? I don’t know and that’s not really my point here.
However, it is clear that this complexity has increased markedly, and this exponentially, since the industrial revolution.
If you take the life of a couple, you add children, family, friends, work,
If you still add all the technological evolution,
So the count is good: Everyone can really have the impression of being at the head of a huge multinational !
Add to that the creation of the company in which you work together and you are the CEO of an empire …
You understand that it is particularly important to recognize and accept that life is extremely complex in the daily life of a couple!
Indeed, it is better to understand very quickly that a couple relationship is not only a personal adventure and a challenge to live, but also a big joint venture to manage with an incalculable number of points to settle.
Not taking this dimension seriously is letting everyday life erode the intimacy of your relationship… and make its magic disappear!
Why then make a joint venture of a couple relationship?
Imagine, from an example taken from the computer world:
Like thousands of people you use a computer. So you know that these have a large number of factory settings that aim to optimize their use.
For example, your computer is programmed so that when opening a certain type of font is activated. This is referred to as a “default” position which opens automatically.
You are told that you can change it if you wish. But you also know that these automations save you time and energy. Without these “default” settings, you would have a plethora of settings to make before you could even start working.
It is the same in a couple!
Indeed, a “default” position will be set in motion if the two partners do not together and consciously decide Who Does What in the face of the multitude of tasks to be accomplished!
They will not do things from a conscious choice but by following old patterns of habits …
You follow me ?
Thus, for example, a person (man or woman, it doesn’t matter, the problem remains the same) who will have been very responsible from an early age may, “by default”, take more and more responsibility for more. in addition to tasks, at the risk of being devoured by everything she believes she has to do and risk burn-out … and a clash in the couple!
By letting herself be overwhelmed by obligations that at a deeper level she can even hate, the person she was at the beginning of the relationship, and who seduced her spouse, dies (symbolically of course) little by little …
Imagine that his (or her) partner was used to having all his wants and needs met; her “default” position will be to view her spouse as someone who is there to take care of her just as her mother did, or as anyone who took care of her as a child.
Such childhood patterns, carried over “by default” into a couple relationship, are an endless source of conflict and ultimately create serious problems in the couple!
The advantages of the couple
One of the great advantages of a relationship is realizing that the two partners that you are have different strengths and weaknesses.
How is that an advantage you will tell me?
Because everyone brings a unique set of values, sensibilities, experiences, knowledge.
In addition, many of them are complementary!
Understand here that the differences in a couple are not walls to tear down!
On the contrary, your differences are riches to be recognized, preserved and loved!
Very often the strong point of one is the weak point of the other.
Understood and used well, this understanding is one of the great strengths of the partnership!
Effectively, the partners can then draw on each other’s skills and let the one who is most gifted for a task take the greatest responsibility for it.
“Relying on the other” is not “letting it go” and allowing “the default position” to determine each person’s actions.
Consciously leaning on the other and very different from letting oneself be taken care of by the other, giving up all power in private and / or professional life.
On the contrary, it is an act of delegation in its own right and therefore of management… as in any company!
A concrete example
Here are Annie and Jean-Pierre, a couple of my clients. From the start of their activity Jean-Pierre, very responsible, instinctively took charge of financial management, which delighted Annie because figures and money are not part of her preferences.
However, after years, Annie felt a real discomfort when she realized that she had abdicated all administrative and financial responsibility to her spouse.
This was the source of serious conflicts between them. Anger against her and guilt mingled with a form of resentment stemming from a real feeling of dependence on her spouse.
A real gap has opened between them!
For his part, Jean-Pierre may have felt (even unconsciously) a strong resentment of having to bear the entire burden of the financial question alone. Although management and numbers are among his preferences, he doesn’t necessarily like having to carry all the weight alone.
The quarrels were increasingly frequent and sometimes for nothing. As a couple in love, they came to hate each other cordially …
Tired of this situation and eager to get out of it, they decided to come and consult me as a coach to help them.
In short, let’s say that increasingly strong negative power games have developed between them.
Thanks to our working sessions, they succeeded in reconnecting the bond that united them at the beginning of their relationship and in finding a harmonious common ground to live and work together.
Here is an example of what they have set up:
Annie has invested in what pleases her the most, namely the administration of the website and their professional presence on the web.
Jean-Pierre, for his part, continues to manage the company’s accounts.
The difference is that they now regularly discuss the subject of finances and their place on the web together so that everyone clearly knows what is going on and gets involved in it as they see fit.
Thus, Jean-Pierre relies on his wife in the field of web marketing without losing his responsibility, just as Annie relies on her spouse’s skills in matters of finance without losing his responsibility.
In addition, no final decision that could bind the company and the couple is taken without mutual agreement.
Indeed, in order to face the multitude of tasks that a couple engaged in entrepreneurship must manage, it is absolutely necessary to honor the organizational aspects of the couple’s life and the company, to decide clearly together on the everyone’s task at all times.
Key takeaways from this article:
- Your differences are your riches. It is up to you to learn to recognize and respect them as such, if not to love them!
- As opposed to the “default” position, everyone must take their place according to their skills and preferences within the company. Do not abdicate, however, and leave all responsibility to “the other” for the areas that interest you the least. Delegating tasks is a management act in its own right, even in a very small company!
- No final and definitive decision should be taken without the agreement of the spouse in everything relating to the couple and the company … Where there is assured conflict, the deterioration of all intimacy and the ruin of the relationship!
- Nothing is set in stone, however, and organizational methods can change regularly or over time through experience.
The key word in all this is Respect : for oneself, for the other, for the couple, for the relationship that unites you, for the company, for the relationship you create with your actual and potential customers.
And for that, the main thing is to make sure to manage your priorities, according to your initial intention , that of succeeding Your couple and As a couple .