Sometimes what ends is not love, it is patience. The desires to continue to rekindle a fire that brings no heat, to fix a gaze that does not kiss, to give hugs that do not touch us are exhausted. We end up getting tired of insisting, motivation melts, illusions are diluted and only the embers of this dignity remain that we pick up in pieces, aware that this is out of place.
It is curious how some people, when they consult a professional it to help them overcome grief of a relationship process, do not hesitate to say / the psychologist: ” Help me stop loving my ex-spouse, help me forget about him. “ Maybe many therapists would like to have the magic formula, a fabulous technique with which one could erase any glimmer of love that hurts, that melancholy memory that troubles our days and our nights extension.
“At first all of our thoughts belong to love, but afterwards all of our love belongs to thoughts. ”
However, a good professional knows well that bereavement is a useful suffering , that it is a slow, but gradual process, which allows the person to acquire new growth strategies and resources to improve. his emotional management. The balms of oblivion would therefore be a sterile and not very useful resource, which lulls a vital learning, a type of interior resource which makes it possible to rediscover the taking of initiatives and the desire to love again.
Because in the end, no one stops loving from one day to the next. What we do is stop insisting on something that is no longer worth it.
The two bereavements in emotional breakdowns
There are people who do not hesitate to behave like this: insisting on receiving a little more attention, insisting that thoughts, decisions, fears , joys and complicity be shared, so that time lived together know happiness and not doubts, genuine desire and not coldness, apologies, looks that do not dodge … In fact, this person who insists, we have all been one day .
When we finally understand that it is preferable to stop insisting, this is where the first mourning takes place, a beginning of painful reality that makes us open our eyes to the obvious. However, it also forces us to go through a series of essential steps to better clarify the reality of this emotional bond, and finally finalize a relationship before it turns into an ordeal of unnecessary suffering.
The stages of this first mourning are as follows:
- Dullness or numbness of sensitivity: these are the situations in which we do not understand the reasons for certain reactions, the distance, the emotional coldness of our spouse or the why of their lies.
- The aspiration. In this second stage, it is usual that one continues to insist, and that biases and lies to oneself appear such as: ” if he does that it is because he is very stressed, because he is busy, tired… ”,“ If I am a little more tender, maybe he will love me a little more, that he will pay more attention to me… ”.
- The acceptance is the last step of this first loss, a critical moment one ceases to emphasize the face of clear evidence. Feeding hope is more than a burden, we know, a way of slowly and heavily poisoning oneself, without meaning or logic. It is therefore necessary to move away …
This is where a much more complex phase begins: the second bereavement.
I stopped insisting, I put some distance but I still love you: the second mourning
When we make a final farewell and establish some distance, we go into second mourning. Faced with the irremediable, faced with what hurts, faced with what collapses our dignity and destroys our self-esteem, the most intelligent option is distance. But what will never be possible is distance without forgetting.
“Love is so short and oblivion so long”
We know that the simple recognition of “It’s all over and there is nothing more to do” frees us from the waiting room and the barren grounds, but… what to do with this feeling that springs up in us like an insistent demon ? The second bereavement is more complex than the first, because it is very difficult to discover that we are not loved or that we are “unloved”. It’s even more complicated to heal our wounds, to survive and to reinvent yourself as someone stronger.
Thus, knowing all this, it is essential to give rise to an emotional mourning that adjusts to our needs, where the mind but also the body can cry, assimilate the absence of the loved one and accept by force – and reluctantly- the new situation without rancor, anger or resentment.
So, this is also the perfect time to “insist” on yourself. It is time to be stubborn, to feed on hopes, to feed on new dreams, even if at first, of course, we do not believe in them. This second grief requires that we insist and persist on our own being, settling memories and anxieties, finding the perfect frequency where longing and dignity find their harmony to allow us to keep moving forward, head high.