All these years looking for it, waiting for it, hoping for it, imagining it…
All those moments when I was disappointed, in pain, in sadness and even angry to have hurt myself again, to have convinced myself again that it could be her… maybe.
Falling down, getting up, looking again for the one who would finally fill me with happiness, joy, love… Finding the one I’ve been missing so much since I was little. Where is this half of unconditional love that prevents me from laughing, from living, from being? Well the whole time, she was right there, sitting next to me…
When I was in high school, I took the bus to go to school. I lived at the end of the road at that time of my life and therefore, I was always the first to board the bus and therefore the last to board too. I remember all these teenagers, who had known each other forever, getting together every morning and always happy to see each other as a good family. I was the newcomer, shy, uncomfortable, with no experience of deep friendship.
All the same, I quickly got to know a few of them and inevitably a few too… I, who had always had so much attraction for the fairer sex, now that adolescence multiplied by 1000 the effect of this attraction, as gentlemanly and romantic as I could be. That the young ladies are pretty and attractive, said the little me in search of his queen. I obviously made beautiful encounters and more than interesting encounters, deep, powerful, from there until today, but without ever reaching the goal of my quest, at least not enough to satisfy this thirst for love in me. I have necessarily disappointed more than one and in a reciprocal way as well. By dint of mistakes, failures and injuries, I only increased the anger of not achieving my dream,
That day was different. I was coming home from school as usual, but strangely everything had changed… the road was different, the sky was dark, even the houses looked different… I was moving home (even though I felt like I was wasn’t really there) and this atmosphere, dark, gloomy, almost apocalyptic… like the eve of a great storm. To add to the scene, I was oddly alone on the bus… no one except me had taken the bus. When I looked outside through the windows, I saw no one in the streets, in the houses… I had the feeling of being alone in the world and that nothing and no one existed outside the bus, me and the driver practically in zombie style…
As I became more and more aware of this strange environment that I didn’t like at all, that’s when she appeared, coming out of nowhere, as if I had never seen her and as if she had always been there. Suddenly, she sat down next to me, on the same bench and in the middle of this dark atmosphere, she was radiant with her long, very black hair and her face filled with such soft lines… By nature I dare not look people in the eye since I am shy by nature and my ability to empathize, I pierce the shell of the people whose eyes I meet.
I only stared at it for a second before my flight reflex turned me off, but it was already too late. I saw her, she saw me, we recognized each other. This small second had already invaded me eternally. I then looked at it again and there, my God, magnificent! His blue eyes, not blue, but so blue! From a depth as if the universe was spinning in the background of these reflecting the sun in a swimming pool on a summer day.
I had never seen so much light in a pair of eyes, even than I could have believed was possible on this earth. A second was enough to forget the dubious atmosphere. I felt good, just good, neither empty nor full, neither in love nor lacking, just calm, at peace, complete, totally blissful. She exuded this feeling of security…reassuring…compassion, gentleness, lightness, empathy, presence…so much love, unconditional, free. What else to do but fix it? I recognized her without knowing her and she knew me as if she had always been there. I said hello to him without really telling him, I don’t know anymore. She answered me without really having answered, I don’t know anymore. The micro millisecond that I felt uneasy about it,
All those years of looking for it, waiting for it, hoping for it, imagining it… All those moments when I was disappointed, in pain, in sadness and even angry at having hurt myself again, ‘m still convinced it could be her… Well the whole time she was right there, sitting next to me… I wish time would stop to stay on that bus forever, but sooner or later , you have to get off and that’s where I woke up, my heart full, in the awareness that the woman filled with love that I had always been looking for was not in a place, or in a space, a country or a city… It wasn’t outside because it was already inside me, from the beginning of the journey, in the middle of all these little Robins inside me (the angry, the hurt, the lost, the rejected, the abandoned, the worried,the emotional dependent, the shy, the anxious…)
This feminine part in me, so soft and full of love, so full of love was able to appease them all in just one second. I love you, beautiful love in me, thank you for accompanying me in my life and allowing me to live as a free man.