We all want to have loved ones by our side, with whom we can share beautiful moments of happiness, joy, but also moments of sadness.
But we only need healthy bonds that don’t suffocate us, allow us to develop as people, and leave us enough space to feel comfortable.
We all need those we love, but we need to focus on protecting our individuality and looking out for others.
I’ve learned that I can smile without you, that I can walk my own paths without having to follow your footsteps, that I can mature without you feeling suspicious of me.
I don’t want to entrust you with all my happiness, I want to offer myself to you in complete freedom, to share our joys and live in harmony .
We know that all of these phrases make a good impression in books or textbooks about happy mature relationships.
But, in reality, it is very difficult to say “I don’t need you, I prefer you”, because it is difficult to understand what is going on in the mind of some people.
The important thing is to know how to build in harmony, to understand that being in a relationship is not losing a part of yourself, but adding a little extra to our existence.
We should not wake up one morning feeling like we are missing something, and that we are losing our identity to another person.
Being in a relationship is being able to be happy individually, but recognizing that it is good to have someone by your side to share this happiness, and to grow as a person.
If the relationship is not based on the principles we have just mentioned, if there is no union and balance on both sides, it is because there is no team , but two individualities which clash.
To love or to depend, the thin thread of happiness
If I love someone, I definitely want them to be with me. I call for a solid commitment and his presence in my life, and I must tell him.
I need him to show me his tenderness every day through reciprocity and little magic moments, which are capable of building entire lives.
Saying that I need reciprocity in love doesn’t make me dependent. I just want to receive what I myself invest.
Dependent relationships are characterized by the fact that members need the other person just as much as they need themselves. Their needs are synonymous with submission and attachment, not equality.
We could say that the tenuous thread of happiness depends on this simple little difference which nevertheless brings us many complications in our life as a couple. Let’s take a closer look at this topic.
The danger of completely blending into another person
Sometimes we love so much that we end up blending in totally with the person we want.
What is yours is mine, your concerns are mine, your sorrows are also the pains of my heart.
We cannot deny that being in a relationship involves commitment and compromises, which make it possible to solve problems as a couple, to face the difficulties of life together and to take care of each other .
But, is there a limit to this situation? Of course.
- We all agree that we’re ready to splurge for the person we love. But we have to be careful not to lose our balance and our identity.
- To love is not to walk on a taut rope blindfolded , guided only by our partner.
- You have the right to choose, decide, and think differently from the person you love. We can love the similarities and respect the differences, but that will not break our “team”.
- Never let the other person question or make you give up on your own values. Your values are part of your identity. If you lose them, a part of you will fall apart.
Don’t give one piece of yourself to complete the other
To live happily , in reality, we don’t need a lot of things.
Love, intimacy, respect and complicity are necessary to be in balance with the person we love.
Those who need more certainly have their own shortcomings. He expects his partner to fulfill them or solve them.
One who is filled with emotional voids and unresolved deficiencies seeks his savior, his loving angel who is going to be able to change his life completely.
He unconsciously wants to take a part of the other to complete his own abysses, thus depriving him of the possibility of being a whole person.
Popular wisdom tells us that if we try to appease a broken heart, it is quite possible that ours will end up in pieces as well.
So it is not good to think that we can make our partner change, that we can make them happy only by our actions.
If a person is not happy on their own, they are unlikely to become happy overnight.
- Love must be an act of freedom that leaves no room for blackmail.
- Love must allow one to live in harmony with oneself and with the other person . If you don’t respect yourself, if you are unsure of yourself, and you don’t like what you see deep down in your soul, you are going to project your own demons on the other person.
- No one has an obligation to soothe your wounds, to pick up your broken pieces , to calm your nightmares during your nights of anguish. If that’s what you’re looking for, you intend to submit someone. Be mature, complete and fearless in order to be able to love fully, without deficiencies.
Love needs humility and space. To love is to want the best for our partner while seeking our own happiness .
It is building together, while protecting the individuality and integrity of the person we love.
Images by Mila Marquis and Pascal Campion