How to live a healthy romantic relationship with a hypersensitive man or woman? Why is a better understanding of hypersensitivity important in order to understand it, not hurt it and be fulfilled in your relationship? How to live with a hypersensitive person without hurting them? How to deal with so much emotion?
When you are hypersensitive, (neuro-) atypical, there is an area in which you would very very very much like to have concrete training: the couple relationship! Living in 2, thinking in 2, socializing, having fun like the others, understanding the proprieties, what is allowed or not is absolutely not obviously nor logical. Whether you are with dys, gifted, zebra, on the autism spectrum or with any other form of hypersensitivity, being in a relationship is far from intuitive!
Instructions for the love life between a hypersensitive man or woman and a person who is not!
Although there are also hypersensitive men , it is mostly women who will fall into the arms of a nice guy who likes their side “not like the others”. We will not talk here about narcissistic perverts or couples between atypical and hypersensitive people, that will be the subject of other articles. Let’s go back to the case that I have accompanied the most for more than 20 years and that I have experienced from the inside myself: when a hypersensitive and atypical girl falls in love with a guy who is not and let’s focus on 3 major points: self-confidence, the relationship with others and the way of loving.
Let’s first talk about self-confidence when you are hypersensitive.
Girls, who among you is fully aware of her charm, her assets and the beautiful person she is?
Who among you knows how to receive the compliment “you’re beautiful” or “I think you’re really pretty” without immediately imagining that the guy opposite wants to achieve his reproductive training goal or says it because he thinks that do we need to hear it?
Who among you is completely at ease with their body, with the image it reflects, in the development of their feminine power?
We agree, not a lot. Even I still have bugs from time to time. What has changed is that I am aware of it and I can fix it. When you are hypersensitive, you feel the emotions of others, the atmosphere that emanates from the place.
We know how to see beauty in everything or being, except in ourselves. We need to learn to look at ourselves with the heart too.
As we do not know how to do it well, we delegate to the eyes of others, to their judgment, the power to declare ourselves beautiful, nice, wonderful, formidable, intelligent, brilliant… because our side the words used spontaneously are more “that pass”, “I’m nothing exceptional”, “I’m like everyone else”, “I’m not particularly pretty”, “you can’t say that I’m intelligent because that was easy for me », « no I have no talent, it’s not great, it’s just a draft », etc.
We give others the power to play with our self-confidence and this is all the more true in love. We seek in the eyes and the words of our darling that they fill us with everything that we do not know how to say to ourselves.
The drama happens when the relationship falters or when routine sets in and sweet words become rarer. Our brain registers without any difficulty all the reproaches, all the unpleasant remarks, all that we take askance and construct as universal truth – you know the moment when we interpret what the other says or does not say by positioning ourselves in mode victim- a bit as if we were addicts. Addicted to the positive words that we are offered, that we expect, that we demand as long as we do not know how to use them ourselves. Empathy also applies to oneself and we forget it.
It’s an infernal pressure for the other. Know when to say it, with what intensity and always with sincerity. Not only do we have a “lie” filter, but as a bonus when we doubt, we have to be paranoid. We can be very hard or even cruel to put the other to the test and that he proves to us what he is advancing.
Yes, this is toxic behavior that benefits no one. Each sweet word empties of its substance and becomes a habit then an obligation.
How to improve our romantic relationship when we are hypersensitive?
Girls, the base of the base of the base (and maybe even the base) is to learn to look at yourself with your heart too. It is an ultra-beneficial personal development process that allows you to no longer be in emotional dependence and in self-confidence by proxy. It’s not up to the other to decide and impose on you whether you’re great or not. It is a gift that he gives you by offering you his vision of you. If that sounds tricky to you, start by accepting every sweet word as a gift and saying THANK YOU. Receive it as something that feels good in the present moment and stop your infernal automatism which will destroy this moment with your “doubts” and “suspicions” friends. One step after another.
Guys, congratulations to you for knowing how to detect the magic and beauty of your hypersensitive and atypical sweetheart. You are aware that it is an unusual adventure that awaits you for which you do not have the codes. All your genius lies in being in balance in a relationship where the other only works in extremes.
Know how to make her aware of her up & down without her taking it badly or being afraid of losing you with each remark that she will judge negative (yes, she takes everything personally and negatively…I know…I have does the same…). We sink into guilt, it is so easy to manipulate us in this area!
I invite you to patience and tenderness. You need to speak the same language. She will imitate yours thinking that is how she will be loved, that is her social function. Let her know what she really likes, what she wants, what makes her feel good. Under no circumstances can you promise her eternal love or to always be there. We take promises and romantic moments for absolute truths to which we cling desperately (rereading messages, interpretations, intense viewing of photos, etc.). Our great sensitivity feeds our fears and vice versa.
She will tend to say “like you” or “as you want” very often, including in intimate moments. Give her the chance to be her. She will not know how to do it spontaneously. She will learn and your kindness will be a great help. Be careful, you are neither his therapist nor his father 😉 Ok for you?
Girls, do you understand? It is imperative to break this circle of pressure and emotional dependence in the romantic relationship because it rots the relationship. Your self-confidence belongs to you and it is you who would make it solid. And it is totally compatible with our hypersensitivity!
Let us now see the relation to the other as hypersensitive.
Whether in love or in everyday life, others are an inexhaustible source of intense emotions. We oscillate between moments of joy (for small things according to most people) and moments of sadness or even depression (for really not much according to most people). As we see the world differently, we do not perceive the same information.
Our codes are full of sensations and feelings. We can rave about details (which are very important to us) and feel rejected for a look, a dry word or an absence of a smile.
And as I mentioned above, we are afraid of the judgment of the other. It’s a bit as if we were convinced that we were bad, worthless, ugly, stupid and that we deluded ourselves as best we could with this visceral fear that someone would find out. our fraud. We come back to the look we have on us very very negative.
Our hypersensitive relationship with others is a bit like that of an extra-terrestrial who comes with all the love of his planet and / or all his intelligence and his visionary ideas to offer, being afraid of being exterminated, not speaking not the same language and not understanding what others do not understand. So yeah, we give each other the power to tell us we’re awesome or shitty. We believe him when he says we’re worthless and we doubt when he says we’re on top. Our relationship to others reflects the relationship we have to ourselves.
It is essential to get to know our hypersensitive functioning and to communicate it to our darling. He may be the best guy in the world, he will not be able to guess what is playing in our head, in our heart and in our guts. Discover what makes you unique. Here are some key questions to answer:
- what did you play when you were little?
- what do you like to do to pass the time?
- What makes you smile ?
- what makes you cry?
- what are you sensitive to: light, noise, crowd, smell, etc.?
- what type of evening do you like to spend?
- what means do you use to “escape reality”?
- what are your dreams?
- what makes you lose track of time?
- what are you laughing about ?
- what do you find beautiful?
- what worries you?
Find more questions. Ask the same to your darling and share your answers. There is no right or wrong answer. You won’t get the same answers and that’s normal. That’s the beauty of diversity. Accept each of your realities and learn to respect them. Do not force yourself into anything for fear of losing the other! We are 50% responsible for our relationship with each other. Each 50%. There is an excellent book that explains this is the mastery of love by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s a discovery to be experienced together and it will strengthen your bond.
I often hear the fear of some hypersensitive women who think that their darlings do not like the right person. That the woman they are with is not the real “her” and that they send back what they think they want to love (did you follow?). It may happen that some of us play a role, the role that they consider vital to be in a “normal” relationship and to be loved. Opening your eyes by answering the above questions sincerely can lead to misunderstanding of the other who will discover that in fact you do not like evenings with his friends, nor going to his mother’s house and even less jogging. with him on Sunday at 6 a.m. and you dream of becoming an official vegetarian and saving the polar bears.
Couples come and go every day. Don’t be afraid to end a chapter of your life. It is also a self-affirmation and a magnificent respect for oneself and for the other. The person with whom you must be benevolent is YOU above all to be able to be with others, without submission.
Finally, what is love for someone hypersensitive and atypical?
This is often the beginning of a misunderstanding. What does love mean? What married life do we really want? You will see that it is in no way common to what is served to us in series, films or what we see around us.
This is a fundamental question that I also invite you to share with your darling. And to live deep within yourself. We rarely take the time to ask ourselves this question because the answer is supposed to be common and universally accepted by society. however, I honestly think that there are as many ways to love as there are people on Earth.
The couples I accompany are both afraid to share their vision and many are those for whom it is a discovery to become aware of what they aspire to “in real life”. Many hypersensitive girls feed on the image of Prince Charming who will come to save them from themselves and with whom everything will be fine…girls, that doesn’t exist 😉 Hypersensitivity often rhymes with fragility or vulnerability. This is a hasty and erroneous judgment.
Others think that to love is to give everything to the other while forgetting oneself. Bad plan, the brain and the heart do not accept and it is the assured internal conflict. We each have a way of functioning in love and it is very important to recognize and share it. There are those who seek absolute intensity. If it’s not intense, not passionate, there’s no point. Ok, but it doesn’t last, at least not like that. Some people need space. Each at home or separate room, or at least private spaces in their house or apartment.
I had met a young “aspie” woman (TSA) who explained to me that her couple had been saved because she had her own space in the apartment, like a mini-studio, in which she locked herself up sometimes for several days to “find each other”. It was her husband’s mission to get her out if she stayed there for more than 3 days. It was their compromise and it had worked for years.
Others need to be in an open relationship. Still others prefer to compartmentalize their lives. The distribution of domestic responsibilities and household chores also needs to be clarified. Some of us can be ultra-manic or totally messy.
Living together means making compromises to find your own language.
What counts is to share it, to know that it is the reality of the other, to respect it and to see how we come together, what is the consensus. It is also very important in the way of loving to specify what one expects from the other, especially when one has “attacks” of panic, anxiety, depression and dark thoughts. We can cry a lot and is it really up to our darling to be the one to comfort us all the time? Does he see the relationship as a couple? He has every right not to want it. And we need to hear it.
He’s not here to save us. Nobody will. It’s everyone’s personal job. We alone have the key within us to be happy. It works both ways girls!
So what do we do if we don’t save someone, if we don’t move them forward, if we don’t boost them, if they’re not there to give us what we can’t give us ? Well, we love and we build. We open our heart without fear and we accept the other as he is. AND WE COMMUNICATE! Saying things, sharing your feelings and emotions serenely, being in your authenticity and your vulnerability, is giving yourself love to yourself and to the other… and your hypersensitivity will be radiant, a real gift because you will know how to live positively!