Relationships: at the heart of your development


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Why are we here, if not to experience the happiness that comes with being in a relationship? If our soul has come to the body, and the body to life, it is for the purpose of evolving. And our relationship with everything around us is the most fantastic tool available to us to accomplish this task. Every moment we are creating, knowing, becoming and experiencing who we really are. How could we know each other if the relationship did not exist? How could we demonstrate our generosity, our love and our greatness of soul, if there was no one with whom to share our attributes? How would we know that we are all of this, if it wasn’t for the other? This is why relationships are so important in our lives: they allow us to create and experience our true Self, in matter.

All this is fine in theory you will say. And you’re probably going to go on to say to me, “ so why do so many relationships fail ”? And you will be right to ask me that question. Besides, I asked myself it lately. Why have some of the most cherished relationships in my life ended so badly? If all we have to do in relationship is create our Self, why are there so many relationships that end up in a fishtail? Why are there so many separations that end badly, friends who come to hate each other, parents who reject their children and families who break up? Because we spend our time focusing on each other instead of focusing on our Self. “What will the other say, how he will react, what the other is going to do, how and with whom he is going to do it, etc …” We are so concerned about this other that we are let us forget the fundamental purpose of the relationship; what we are, in relation to the other.

By reorienting our focus on ourselves, any relationship becomes a sacred temple, a place where we can authentically express our fundamental Being. But we must remain vigilant: the ego will feel helpless, attacked and oppressed. He will therefore come back to the charge quite regularly, pointing the finger at our brothers. This is what happened to me and still happens to me today. When I lose sight of the purpose of my relationships, I fall into the traps set by my fierce mind. I judge, I label, I condemn and I hide. I blame the other for not meeting my expectations, I grumble as I put him down, I complain about assuming he isn’t the fantastic being that I finally imagined. I focus on all the reasons I have for being disappointed, neglecting the one aspect that matters:who I want to be, right now . What part of my Self I want to show, what attribute of my Being I want to experience.

The test in any relationship is how much we measure up to our own ideas, to our own vision. I would even say up to our ability to recreate ourselves. And our capacity for creation is endless. We therefore have, at every present moment, the power and the strength to reflect our internal state, in the visible world. If, for example, we are faced with someone who is unconscious, we have a choice. Either we react and fall into the realm of the ego, or we recreate ourselves. The term recreate here means to redefine who you want to be, in relation to the situation and the person, and to express that openly. There is a nuance to be grasped between reaction and creation. The reaction comes from our past conditioning while creation inevitably places us in the present moment. It aligns our body, mind and soul, eliminating destructive thoughts and purifying our Being.

In the majority of relationships we have, we tend to point fingers at each other, neglecting to look each other straight in the eye. Why do we behave like this? Because we are afraid of what we might see and discover in ourselves. We believe in our own guilt so strongly that we forget that we are spiritually perfect. Sinners, this is who we think we are. Unworthy and unclean men and women. This is the fundamental mistake that we make, if we believe the lies in our head, if we identify with the speech of the ego. The proof that our mind is deluding us is visible when we fall in love. At first we look at the loved one as if they are a perfect work of art. We see all the beauty that emanates from him and are amazed at so much brilliance. Then what happens next? Our spiritual eyes close and we rediscover our human vision. “He is not that beautiful after all, he has more faults than I thought, he would need to redo his wardrobe …” We lose sight of his spiritual perfection and therefore forget our own.

If we aspire to richer, healthier and more authentic relationships, there is only one vantage point to achieve it: ourselves. By focusing and connecting with our Inner Being, we open ourselves to the divine attributes that lie dormant within us, to our sacred power. And it is by opening ourselves up, by offering others the best of who we are, that our soul fulfills its function. It doesn’t matter what the other is, says, does, expresses, all that matters is who we are, in relation to that. If our soul yearns to experience love, joy, surrender, all we have to do is manifest it, through relationship. We just have to act with the heart, laugh, dance, and let go. If our soul has come to know peace, compassion and kindness, then let us bring comfort,

I became aware lately, thanks to certain readings, that there were two types of relationship. The book A Return to Love calls this: “the special relationship” and “the holy relationship”. In a special relationship, we find ourselves in a space that I call love by the void.. We ardently desire to be in relation with someone so that this last one comes to fill our interior voids. We place the burden of all our shortcomings on that person’s shoulders. As a result, we believe we are getting stronger. But what happens when that person burns out, or just has enough to deal with with their own inner voids? Unable to support us any longer, we collapse like a house of cards. And we blame that person, believing that they reject us and abandon us. From this arises a very powerful feeling: resentment. It is for this reason that our intimate relationships often trigger anger and disappointment. We project our fury onto the other for our inability to fulfill ourselves.

In this type of relationship, we are filled with fear. We are scared to show ourselves in our true light. We choose, especially at the beginning, to let only our share of light appear. We believe that if the other perceives our dark side at all, he will take his legs and run away from us. So we spend our time in hiding, playing a role. We are so terrified of our own human imperfections that we cannot accept to reveal ourselves, in our entirety. It becomes evident that no growth is possible here; the two individuals continuing to replay the same scenario, pretending to be what they are not.

In a Holy relationship, we are in a whole different inner state. We are in what I call full love . We do not seek to engage with the other to fill our voids, but to share our wholeness. We accept ourselves in our wholeness, embracing every aspect of our Self, and enter into the relationship to heal our wounds, practice forgiveness, and grow. If there is common ground as to the purpose of the relationship, both partners can flourish, feeling fully accepted.

This type of relationship forces us to step out of our comfort zone. By stripping ourselves off, by showing ourselves naked, we allow the other to contemplate us, without mask, without artifice. It can be uncomfortable at first, since we are used to veiling our truth. But if we feel secure, our motivation to grow will intensify and allow us to move beyond the stage of ego. When such an atmosphere of trust is established in the relationship, it gives the opportunity for both people involved to heal, in joy, harmony, and the recognition that we are all one.

It is this type of relationship that I wish to see flourish in my life now. And you?