TEST: Are you in an abusive relationship? The answer might surprise you!


Are you in an abusive relationship? Is it possible that you are being abused in your relationship and you don’t even know it?

Since the beginning of the pandemic, domestic violence has once again been in the forefront of the news. Violence is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or insulted. In fact, it can very well be sneaky or subtle.

You may feel confused about the relationship, off balance, or like you’re “walking on eggshells” all the time. It’s the kind of abuse that often and subtly creeps into your mind as you become more rooted in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse occurs when one person in the relationship tries to control the information another person has with the intention of manipulating that person’s sense of reality or view of what is acceptable and unacceptable. Emotional abuse often contains highly emotionally manipulative content and threats aimed at coercing the victim into complying with the abuser’s wishes.

Any abuse seriously damages self-esteem. The abused person begins to feel helpless and perhaps even hopeless. Furthermore, most mental aggressors, such as narcissistic perverts for example, are able to convince the victim that the aggression is his fault. One way or another, the victim is responsible for what happened.

The victim is in denial about her situation and is unaware that she is the victim of abuse. Since the first step to getting out of an abusive relationship is to become aware of the toxicity of the relationship. So I created a small self-assessment questionnaire.

Before going any further, I am writing about  perverse narcissistic manipulators  and  male domestic violence  to facilitate writing and because I mainly accompany women in the process of freeing themselves from relational violence, but I am aware that there are also a lot of male victims of abuse and violence, so please don’t see any prejudice on my part. This questionnaire can also be useful for men in this situation.

Self-assessment questionnaire to find out if you are a victim of abuse in your relationship.

1. Do you feel nervous and tense around your spouse?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

2. Do you wonder what could make your spouse unhappy?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

3. Do you feel like you have to have sex with your spouse?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

4. Are you financially dependent on your spouse?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

5. Is your spouse sickly jealous and accusing you of having lovers or flirting with other men?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

6. Does your spouse question you about the time you spent without him and question your explanations?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

7. Does your spouse say that you suck, that you don’t know anything about it, that your opinions are wrong or that your opinion doesn’t matter to him?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

8. Do you have the impression that he tries to humiliate you when you are with other people?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

9. Does your spouse try to control your life and your decisions?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

10. Does your partner ever threaten to hurt or hurt you if you don’t do what he wants?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

11. Does your partner ever make fun of you in front of your relatives or colleagues?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

12. Does your partner prevent you from seeing your family, your friends, your professional relations?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

13. Do you ever choose what would please your partner rather than choosing what would please you?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

14. Does your partner stop you from doing what you love because he disapproves of it?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

15. Does your spouse tell you how to dress and force you to do so?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

16. Does your partner find excuses for his odious behavior (stress, his failures, alcohol, drugs, problems with others)?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

17. Does your spouse threaten you that if you leave him, you will have nothing?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

18. Does your spouse threaten to kill themselves or you if you leave?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

19. Does your spouse yell at you, insult you or beat you?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

20. Does your partner say that if he yells at you, insults you, hits you, it’s because your behavior led him to it?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

21. Do you yourself have the impression that if your partner is mean to you, it’s because you provoke him?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

22. Do you hide from your family or health professionals the reasons for your sadness, your tears, your bruises, your wounds, if he is the cause?
a) No
b) Sometimes

c) Often

d) All the time

How to interpret the results of this self-assessment questionnaire?

First, if there is physical abuse, you are definitely in an abusive relationship.  Physical abuse is not acceptable in any romantic relationship. I sympathize with you and know that it is possible to come out of this relationship with your head held high.

  • If you answered “No” to the majority of the questions,  you are not in an abusive relationship. Life as a couple is not always easy and sometimes it can be a little more tense, especially with all the collateral effects caused by the pandemic at the moment.
  • If you answered “Sometimes” to the majority of the questions,  you are probably not in an abusive relationship, but there is some toxicity in your relationship. It would be good to work together on communication. Clearly express to your partner the behaviors that bother you. If he likes you and cares about you, he will make an effort to improve his behavior.
  • If you answered “Often” to the majority of the questions,  you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. When toxic behaviors become more frequent, know that it will be difficult, if not impossible, to solve the problem. It would be good to reconsider your relationship and rebuild your happiness with a person who will be good for you.
  • If you answered “All the time” to the majority of the questions,  you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Take your courage in both hands and leave your spouse. You deserve much better!