True attraction goes beyond the physical or the inside, which is so hard to define.
The authentic magic between two people is inscribed in the emotional reading of two hearts which paralyze and harmonize, which understand each other . It is an attraction that we do not free ourselves from, even when we close our eyes.
We know how complex it is for science to isolate variables and establish correlations to understand a little better what love, affection and attraction are. Yet the most recent published study asserts that the key to attraction lies in mutual understanding between two people.
The physical attraction does not last, it is intense, empty and fleeting, but the attraction of the spirit and this emotional world which beats at the same rate as our inner music makes us the most beautiful couple of dancers of love. .
“I only like the one who understands me” . This is without a doubt one of the most common phrases we throw out out of desperation when we fail in an emotional relationship. Far from asking for the impossible, our request is as logical as it is valid.
Because no love will be authentic if it does not exist this empathy based on the intuition of needs and on the correspondence of affects.
We invite you here to think about it.
The mystery of attraction between two people
Let us remember for a moment an unforgettable film: “For better and for worse”. They are two completely different people, both in social status and in personal interests.
Even if between Melvin and Carol there is an inexplicable attraction, the person of Helen Hunt feels desperate in front of the behavior and the attitude of that of Jack Nicholson.
She “wants a normal boyfriend,” someone who understands her. Until at one point, she finds herself on the edge and asks him to give her only one reason not to go. This is where Melvin Udall, this rose-watered novelist with obsessive-compulsive disorder, sincerely reveals to him: “You make me want to be a better person.”
This is where the real mystery lies. Beyond the physical and those inner convulsions that make us stay with certain people, we all hide emotional needs that suddenly are identified, read and even resolved with the closeness of this wonderful person disguised as a normal person.
The real attraction is in the brain
The more we manage to be in harmony with someone’s emotional world, to the point of deciphering their feelings, the stronger the attraction.
This is the conclusion reached by a group of researchers from the University of Lübeck, Germany, whose study was published this year in the journal PNAS.
Love will always be joy and the need to give the best of ourselves to the loved one. Because the love that knows itself as suffering and blackmail is neither worthy nor authentic.
The most intense attraction is that which allows us to understand the intentions and emotions of the other person, and through which we strengthen our personal growth and self-esteem as if it were the root of a tree that finds a little nook underground, full of water and nutrients, where it can grow beautiful and strong.
Meeting someone we understand and who understands us is not easy, we know that, but when it does, our brain feels pleasure.
This is what neuroscientist and study director Silke Anders explains:
- To have a lasting and happy relationship, we are “forced” to continually update and decode both the emotions and the intentions of our spouse . This is the only way we can anticipate them and act accordingly. (You look tired, I’m sure it went wrong at work. I’ll make you a hot bath and a special dinner)
- If we don’t succeed in this, if our neural system fails in decoding emotions, a state of stress is created, as well as dissonance in the brain. (Why is he rejecting me? Why is he in a bad mood when I have done everything to make him feel good?).
All of this seems to help us a little more to understand why sometimes, at the beginning of a relationship with someone who is physically attractive to us and with whom we have clear affinities, it doesn’t work.
We need a more intimate harmony, where our neural vocabulary speaks the same language . Where the needs are decoded with the help of a wise, intuitive and above all courageous emotional reading.
Able to give the most relevant answer at any time and not the one that is imbued with interests.
We need the other to make us better people and not misunderstood beings under lonely shells.