Emotional dependence is present in many romantic relationships. It is a pain that steals the relationship and makes it unlivable.
What is emotional dependence?
Emotional dependence is waiting for the feeling of being a good person to be transmitted to us by someone who holds the attachment figure in our mind. We feel ready, as J BREL says, to become the shadow of his shadow, the shadow of his dog so that he (she) does not leave us. It is a psychological disorder that can literally pollute existence. It is a survival strategy that aims to fill a LACK.
One wears a mask for fear of losing the other. For example, we prevent ourselves from going out with our friends or doing something we like because we imagine that it will displease our companion. And we suffer from it. Dependence begins when the idea that the idea of keeping the other at all costs obsesses us to the point of changing ourselves to continue to please him. If the other prevents us from realizing ourselves, tries to control our actions, we gradually put our desires after theirs and we move away, sometimes unconsciously, from who we really are. However, we can neither love the one we have nor the one who seeks to possess us. Long-term love can only be combined with the concept of freedom.
Emotional addicts are people who received little love or attention during their childhood. There will be the tendency to reproduce dependency relationships because the maternal or paternal love relationship went wrong and is not weaned. The result is that in adulthood, this emotional deprivation is expressed in the form of a dependency in the relationship.
Addiction is a desperate attempt to gain the attention, consideration, affection, or love that was not received when you needed it most.
In adulthood, these are people who will be sorely lacking in self-confidence and who will be in constant demand for love and attention. The emotional addict is afraid of being alone and losing the other, he never feels loved enough.
– Excessive jealousy : Convinced that he is not up to his partner, he thinks that the latter can cheat on him at any time.
– Need to please
– Deny their identity : the person will lose part of their authenticity because they will adopt behavior other than their own in order to correspond to what the other wants.
– Harassment : The emotional addict is able to send dozens of messages in one evening to his partner to find out if everything is going well or to ask him if he is well and when he comes home. He will also invade her on social networks and spy on her actions.
– Affective request : He always wants more proofs of love because he cannot be satisfied.
– Sadness : Being dissatisfied whatever he does he cannot be happy. Because no one is incapable of being happy alone.
– Play the role of the savior : these are people who often attract partners with problems or who are unable to take care of themselves.
– Accept the unacceptable : she is able to endure verbal or physical violence, humiliation, submission to abuse in all its forms.
– Lack of self-confidence : She is unable to trust others because she lacks self-confidence.
– A tendency to attract partners who are afraid of commitment: When she gets together with a partner who is afraid of making a commitment, it sends her a reflection of which she is not aware, that is to say the afraid that she has to commit to herself to get to know herself and to face her wounds. The fear of the partner to commit symbolizes a common fear which is that of failure.
WORK TO DO
In therapy, it will be about helping the person to leave his position of victim and that he stops making the other responsible for his situation.
You have to learn to love yourself. Self-love can be learned! and thanks to this learning, you will be able to blossom and have a more harmonious romantic relationship.
If you want to get better, you will have to become aware of your dependence and get out of the judgment you have towards yourself and the guilt that inhabits you. And for that it will be necessary to heal the parts in you which cry out this lack of love which was not received and to give a correct understanding on what are authentic relations based on the full expression of what you are because this are the sufferings of the past that create the present suffering.
ACTIONS TO BE TAKEN
1) The little notebook: Write down your needs in a notebook: what desires or desires do you have? What do you want to change? What do you want to put in place in your life? Learn to do according to your desires, not to please someone else.
2) Resist the urge to write or call your partner: To resist this compulsive urge turn off your cell phone when you start wanting to be in contact with your partner. Take comfort in giving yourself 10 minutes to do something else that will take the stress and worry out of you.
3) Work on your self-esteem: To do this you must set yourself well-defined goals to give yourself more confidence and consistency. This way you will be able to change your ideas and take the time to think about what needs to be changed.
A romantic relationship is not made to fill a gap in us. The only solution to get rid of an addiction is to go and see in our own unconscious what this “lack” represents. The fact of being attached to a being is not love but the fear of losing. We must therefore find out why this fear of losing takes so much place in our life. The day we will be able to give ourselves what we are looking for on the outside, our dependence will be over because everything we need is inside us. You have to be responsible for your own happiness without being driven by the fear of losing.
” All addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and experience one’s own suffering “ – ECKHART TOLLE