Understanding and Overcoming the Romantic Commitment Problem

What should I do when I can’t commit? Why am I afraid to engage in serious relationships? How to fight the fear of commitment?

In some love relationships it is not the desire not to commit that is lacking but rather the fear of committing. It often happens that we can say “I’m afraid of commitment” when the feelings for our partner are sincere and the desire to build a solid couple as well. So how do you recognize and overcome the fear of commitment?

How to recognize a commitment problem?

It’s not uncommon for people who avoid long-term relationships to hear that they have problems or a fear of commitment. Many people use these expressions casually, but in reality, commitment (and the fear of commitment) is often quite complex.

Commitment is a broad term, but it usually boils down to dedicating yourself to something for an extended period of time, whether it’s a job, a goal, a city, or a relationship. But the problem of commitment tends to appear most often in the context of romantic relationships.

Commitment issues aren’t always due to fear. A person’s upbringing, family history, or other factors can influence how they behave in a serious relationship. So it can be hard to tell the difference between someone who just doesn’t want to commit and someone who has other issues.

Commitment is not synonymous with love.

Remember that commitment is not synonymous with love. It’s entirely possible to love your partner and have difficulty committing. It’s not always easy to recognize if a series of fleeting relationships is due to bad luck or if it indicates something more important.

Wanting to date casually and avoid serious relationships doesn’t automatically mean you’re afraid to commit. You may have one reason for this, or several. But if you constantly feel the need to end your relationship when it goes beyond the casual stage, even if you love the person you’re dating, you may have an unresolved fear of commitment.

Refusal to think about the next step

At some point in a relationship, most people spend at least some time wondering if the person they are dating would be a good long-term partner. If they don’t see a future, they can end the relationship and move on. But some people don’t think about the future at all – and they don’t want to.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take advantage of what you have now with your partner. But a genuine inability or unwillingness to think about the next step in a relationship can suggest a fear of commitment, especially if it’s a trend in your relationships.

“All commitment involves compromises, and it is obviously much easier to be yourself by doing nothing. – Ethan


You have strong feelings for your partner, you feel connected and attached, and you enjoy spending time together. Despite this, you can’t help but wonder things like:

  • Does he really love me?
  • What will happen next?
  • Am I ready for this?
  • Do I want this to work?

It’s quite normal to ask yourself these kinds of questions from time to time, especially if you really care about someone and don’t want to lose them. However, constantly questioning the relationship , to the point of interfering with the relationship or causing you emotional distress, could suggest commitment fears. And if you love this person and enjoy their company, but still feel anxious, the problem may be commitment.

If you feel securely attached and want the relationship to continue, you’re more likely to put in the effort to make it last. This effort shows your commitment and can help alleviate feelings of anxiety about the future of the relationship, especially if your partner shows a similar interest in a long-term commitment.

Lack of emotional connection

If you don’t feel an emotional attachment to your partner, you may not care or think much about losing them. Of course, you have a good time together, but you ignore the idea of ​​never seeing him again. You are perfectly content to continue doing your own thing.

Sometimes not being emotionally connected just means the person you’re dating isn’t the best for you. However, if you know you want a relationship and you never feel emotionally invested by your partners, ask yourself if fear of commitment is holding you back.

How do I overcome my fear of commitment?

Fear of commitment in a relationship is not always a problem. Long-term monogamous relationships are not for everyone. Many people live their lives happily staying single or dating different partners, never getting married or settling down.

It is important to understand where this fear of getting involved in order to find solutions comes from, but above all to understand that it is not irremediable. Indeed, there are logical explanations for being afraid to commit and afraid to get into a relationship!

Still, if you want to deepen your engagement or feel like an element of fear is holding you back, consider these approaches:

  • Talk with your partner.  Sometimes just putting a name to your fear can help you feel better. If you care about your partner but know you’re having trouble with commitment, try talking to them. Tell her how you feel about her and your relationship, and try to tell her exactly what scares you, if possible.
  • Practice commitment.  If you and your partner both want your relationship to succeed, but one or both of you are afraid to commit, it can be helpful to develop small commitment habits together to see where you are. will lead over time.
  • Individual therapy.  Therapy is a great way to start examining why commitment may be a challenge for you. These reasons may relate to past relationships, childhood experiences, or your personal attachment style. It may be worth talking to a therapist if any of the above signs appeal to you. It can help you overcome your fear of commitment with empathy and without judgment.
  • Couple therapy. Couples therapy works well when you and your partner share similar goals for your relationship. But even if one of you wants something else, or if one or both of you aren’t sure what exactly you want, couples therapy can help you explore that too.