How to react with people who need constant attention? Wanting attention is normal, but wanting too much is often a behavior found in toxic and manipulative people. At the bottom of this article, I’ll give you some tips for spotting people who are more interested in their needs than you, but first, I’ll tell you a little personal story.
“Any relationship involves some degree of manipulation. The question is to know how far we allow ourselves to be manipulated, and by whom. And we can avoid manipulation by moving to cooperation. To sharing. –Martin
Recently, I met a woman. During our first date, I noticed that she talked a lot about herself and I quickly understood that she was in dire need of attention. Anyway, it was a great day and I liked it a lot. His sense of humor joined me, the physical contact was present and we had several things in common. She told me that she felt good with me and she was already anticipating going on trips with me and other activities, which led me to believe in the opening of a possible romantic relationship . For a week, while waiting for our second meeting, our text exchanges did not give me the impression of the opposite.
I have experienced others in my life and it is difficult for me to be lulled into illusions. One of the most popular topics on this site, unfortunately, is toxic relationships .and I spend my days sharing information on social media to help people protect themselves against manipulators. I have many collaborators on the site who specialize in this type of problem. My passion is psychology and I have always studied human behavior. In my life, I have dealt with many manipulative people in my personal and professional relationships. I understood my flaws and how bad people can use them to manipulate me. Over time, rather than seeing myself as a victim, I began to study toxic behaviors and now I spot them very easily. A bit like Colombo, I look like nothing, but I observe people and especially those who want to enter my life too quickly.
Going back to my story, during our 2nd meeting, I observed that she was not interested in me, but more in the attention that I gave her and how I could be useful to her. I also observed that she was more interested in my talent as a webmaster and I have a vague impression of deja vu that she let me believe in a possible relationship so that I could help her free of charge to solve her problem with his website.
I no longer felt comfortable in the seduction game. I noticed that she took on the role of victim in front of her other webmaster. Listening to her story, I got the feeling that she also played the seduction card with him to get a ridiculously low price and that person got his game, so he didn’t deliver the goods. One of my flaws is being a savior in the hope of being loved. Even if I no longer take this role of savior in my relationships, because I understood that it was my emotional dependence , I am aware that my energy signature sometimes attracts people who want to use me selfishly to meet their needs.
Before getting involved in this relationship, since I no longer want to run after love by giving attention that I would only give to a lover, I laid my cards on the table with her to find out exactly what her interest was in me. She had no love interest, only friendship. I accept her choice and told her that I have nothing against a friendship and doing activities occasionally, but that I could not give her my full attention as if she were my friend. I also said that I want to make travel plans with a lover, but not with a friend I barely know.
Result, no answer and she ignores me “ Ghosting ” without goodbye and without explanation. She probably understood that she wouldn’t get anything from me and that I wouldn’t fulfill her needs because I discovered her real intention and saw what was hiding behind her mask. Silence is often a behavior to make us feel guilty , but when you have a good understanding of toxic behaviors, you know it’s not a good sign. I have no grudge against her, I only find it cowardly and infantile to act in this way and that this kind of reaction is so widespread in society. I don’t think he’s a bad person though and I wish him much success and happiness.
How do you know if a person is only interested in meeting their own needs?
Since we are human beings, our judgment is often distorted by our desires, which often prevents us from clearly seeing the reality behind a person’s motives. The manipulative person tries to influence your behavior, your choices and your actions by subtly letting you believe that you have finally found this person who will meet your needs, without ever really expressing it in a clear way to leave you in uncertainty. She will use seduction.
“Everyone spends their life learning how to barter. You just have to know who needs what to manipulate people as you want. – Anita
Some people have a natural charm, but the manipulative person uses it to get his way. So how do you quickly know if a person is only interested in meeting their own needs?
- It will touch you a lot. Physical contact often gives us the feeling that this person is physically attracted to us, thus it fuels our desire for closeness.
- She will compliment you. The goal is the same as physical contact, it gives us the feeling that we like the person.
- She will use mimicry. She will try to quickly find all the points in common to let us believe that you have found a person who looks like you.
- She always projects the relationship too far. In this way, she makes us believe that the relationship has a possible future.
- She monopolizes the conversation. She often brings conversations back to herself or changes the subject of the discussion to talk about her own life. However, the manipulative person is not going to reveal too much personal information to us. She only wants to give us information that could influence us in the direction she desires.
- She is only interested in what could be useful for her. If she listens to us talk and asks us questions, it is often to understand our strengths and weaknesses and to find out what needs she could meet with us.
- She poses as a victim. She might complain about her life to win our sympathy and to get us to do her favors.
- She will keep the relationship ambiguous. She will never say what she wants from your relationship. Thus, it creates a blur in our mind and this makes us much more malleable.
Do not condemn too quickly, set your limits and observe!
When we have lived several episodes with manipulative people, we have a tendency to judge and condemn too quickly. This is a mistake since seduction is very much like manipulation. The difference is that seduction aims to conquer you and manipulation aims to meet only the needs of the one who exercises it.
Instead of condemning the person, establish your boundaries and clearly define what you want from this relationship. Consider making sure he/she really knows that there are certain behaviors that you don’t tolerate. The person who really cares about you will take notice.
From experience, the reaction of the person when you establish your limits is very evocative of their real intentions. A bit like in my story at the beginning of the article, this woman decided to use silence to manipulate me, probably to make me feel guilty, when I was not closed to maintaining a friendship. As a result, she condemns herself by acting exactly the way a manipulative person would have acted.