Do you feel like you are reproducing the same scenarios in your relationships? Why are you making these “mistakes” that cause you both suffering and disappointment, despite the fact that this time you have made a choice that seems more informed to you?
Contrary to what you might think, know that most of your choices are made unconsciously. Indeed, you do not (or very rarely) understand the need behind your decision to enter a given relationship. What is it that really drives you to make this choice?
Here are some avenues for reflection that can shed light on what lies behind your tendency to repeat the same patterns at the relational level.
You should know that you always act within your comfort zone, so you make your choices on familiar ground. You reproduce the decisions of the past hoping that this new opportunity is different but above all that it meets your needs. You are thus seeking to meet needs for which you have been wronged in the past and it is what you carry with you that attracts the same type of relationship. For example, when you have been emotionally disadvantaged – intentionally or not – you have developed a behavioral pattern that aims to free yourself from these shortcomings, and your attraction to a given relationship is linked to this desire for reparation. When you have experienced rejection, neglect, in short any emotional failure, you have developed strategies, more or less effective, that aim to fill them and it is with the help of these strategies that you enter into a relationship with others. If you have not addressed what once hurt you, you will continue, as an adult, to reproduce the same behaviors; which explains your attraction to the same kind of personality. You thus project your unmet needs, make the same choices to satisfy them and consequently, attract the same type of relationships in order to resolve these emotional gaps.
Now that you know, there is no point in blaming yourself. You now have access to a clearer vision of your relationship patterns and you will become aware of the unmet need behind your choices. It is through careful and careful observation that you will identify the needs that are buried within you. What are the similarities in choosing which relationship to succeed in your life? Is it jealousy, the feeling of abandonment, dependence, abuse? What are the wounds from your childhood that you need to resolve? Is there a significant person in your past who resembles the relationship choices you make in your adult life?
To get out of a pattern, the first step is to be aware of it and to get there, you have to befriend each other. What would you say to your best friend if he was going through what you are going through? How would you make him realize that he keeps repeating the same scenarios? This clearing work is sometimes long and arduous, never hesitate to ask for the help of professionals to help you because you have to be careful when you wake up the wounds of the past; it takes skill to update them and even more to solve them.
As long as you have not identified the need behind your pattern, you will continually reproduce it. Remember that the only constant element in your relationships is you . It is therefore on yourself that we must act and not on others; you have to bet on yourself and act in this area where you have all the powers.
Listening to your needs and making choices that respect your values will allow you to free yourself from this tendency to repeat erroneous patterns. Identify your needs, change your patterns and you will notice that your relationships will change too.
– Chantal Roy