Do you feel that certain relationships are costing you energy? To “force” you to spend time with certain people? To sometimes go backwards?.
Are some relationships now painful when they were initially a source of joy for you?
It is common that throughout your inner evolution, the feelings and desires that you experience with regard to certain relationships (friendly, professional, couple, family) change. Your desire to rub shoulders with these people changes, and you continue to do so more out of commitment than out of inner momentum.
Commitment VS inner evolution
What is inner evolution?
Inner evolution is unpredictable. Your thoughts, emotions and desires change. You can choose part of the direction your inner evolution will take. By studying, training, meditating, or training yourself, you are consciously participating in the construction of your inner temple.
Despite this, much of your evolution is a mystery. You can’t determine what you’ll be thinking about in precisely ten minutes, let alone a year from now. The difficult trials you have experienced have arisen mostly without warning. The only way to anticipate our evolution is to rub shoulders with people who are more evolved than us.
On the physical level, a child can therefore foresee that his body will transform into that of an adult, but on the spiritual level, it is impossible to know for sure what our inner garden will look like.
What is relational commitment?
Committing to a relationship means “binding oneself by a promise, an agreement”.
There are three types of commitment:
- Short-term commitment, such as a contract for a service, for example. You are committing to doing something realistic that has a beginning and an end.
- Irrational commitment: you commit to doing something that has no end or that does not correspond to your real capacities. For example, you can commit to staying in a relationship your whole life, to making the other person happy, or to avoiding “angrying” an angry person.
- Flexible commitment: You commit to an indefinite period. You do not commit yourself forever, but for as long as the contract is not broken by one of the two parties. During the term of the contract, you respect the terms of the commitment and you have the right to break it at any time. For example: You sign a CDI, or you agree to remain in a relationship while being faithful and respectful as long as the couple is officially maintained.
The problem of relational commitment:
Some commitments are too heavy to respect. You got there for a while, but your inner evolution makes it impossible today to bear what was yesterday was only unpleasant.
Commitments made in the past may now be obsolete as you have since moved on. And what you had planned to do no longer suits you.
Depending on your evolution, a marriage signed twenty years ago can still fulfill you today, or lock you up more than anything else.
Take the example of a woman who entered into a marriage twenty years ago. At that time, she was rather submissive and sacrificed herself to please her spouse. In the meantime, she has done a lot of personal development and aspires to feel more free. His spouse, he has parked the same dominant mentality and refuses to evolve. Marriage will be more of a prison than anything else for the woman.
The problem here isn’t that you’re struggling to keep heavy commitments, but that you’re forcing yourself to be loyal to an outdated commitment.
The relationships that leave you free
There are two categories of relationships that lock you in: relationships where the other asks you to change, and relationships where you have to give up your dreams and spontaneous desires to maintain them.
On the other hand, a large number of relationships do not lock you in: relationships without commitment, and relationships with a flexible commitment, even commitments that you like to respect!
The flower metaphor:
Let’s say you are a rose bud who has never seen other roses. You grew up among the blades of grass and the clovers, so you do not know that your evolution destined you to become higher than them. Let’s now admit that, in your ignorance, you make a commitment to a clover to stay with it always.
Days pass and you grow. Wanting to honor your commitment, you force yourself to stay hunched over to be the height of the clover, depriving your petals of sunlight in the process. Your commitment then makes you unhealthy.
It’s okay to bend over from time to time to rub shoulders with the clover, but wanting to stay with it all the time goes against your metabolism.
In conclusion :
Sometimes it takes time and courage to break a relationship commitment. The goal is not to leave your friends, but to get to know you and respect your needs. If maintaining a relationship takes you away from your happiness, then you can end the relationship or change its configuration if possible.
Some relationships are toxic to you only because you maintain them by denying your need for emancipation and discovery. Others, on the other hand, are toxic because the other person skillfully manipulates you by playing on your guilt, your anxiety or your sense of injustice.