One’s own resilience in the face of others is a great life lesson that we all face on a daily basis.
Learning to repair oneself without judging oneself is both being able to accept the difficulties of one’s life by considering that others are there to help me and at the same time it is being able to remain connected to oneself without find themselves under the power of others and therefore without judging themselves further.
We then grasp the full nuance of the power of others on our path to resilience.
Getting to be in a relational process allowing us to heal ourselves, to build ourselves through our suffering while being with others in a healthy and resilient relationship would be the perfect balance.
But this is not always obvious and we quickly realize that we can be veritable puppets dependent on the gaze of others and thus placing our healing entirely in their hands.
How then can we manage to repair ourselves, to heal ourselves without being crushed by the power of others, without being in this movement of judgment that we constantly apply to ourselves?
The Power of Others’ Judgment on Our Emotional Healing
It is clear that the power of others in our resilience can sometimes have several trying dynamics and completely slow us down in our healing.
Here are some simple illustrations that you have surely experienced:
- When you’re already at the bottom of the hole and someone still presses your head to push you further, how do you escape from this grip of others on our suffering?
- When we are lacking in confidence, when we doubt our actions, our thoughts in the face of personal, moving, or even upsetting situations in our life and when advice comes from one and the other, how do we manage to get out of it while remaining in his free will?
- When you experience painful or even traumatic moments in your life: separation, bereavement, illness, injustice, betrayal, abandonment, humiliation, rejection, how can you overcome this without being in the judgments of your being and your soul?
Other people’s judgment and our own are extremely toxic. They take power over us and prevent us from evolving.
What must be understood immediately is that our own judgments are those that others have projected to us in the face of our intimate suffering.
Very often, this is the mirror of what the other sees of himself.
The behavior that this generates in the other will be that of healing himself.
In other words, the other is not going to be there to help you but to help themselves.
And this is where the whirlwind of judgments begins.
Your family, your friends will most of the time seek to help you.
Unless you are with a manipulative person, the intention of the entourage is always linked to the fact of wanting to accompany the other in his suffering.
But the accompaniment quickly drifts towards judgments which are self-projections onto the other.
“He told me: you’re always going to be unhappy! I answered: If it pleases you to believe that I am unhappy, please yourself! Now, allow me the pleasure of believing that you are projecting your own sadness.
– Francis Maccabee
The friend who advises you to do this, or who tells you not to be so, who leads you to choices, inevitably lays the groundwork for judgment.
He reacts to our suffering as if it were his own.
This attitude is deeply human, even empathetic, but not responsible.
Because it will generate a whirlwind of questions, of judgments towards the other, the one who has possibly hurt us, towards the situation that we are going to undergo rather than overcome.
The power of others, even if it is not ill-intentioned, is a constant tribunal for oneself. We listen to the advice, we agree, then we question ourselves, and it is difficult to come back to what is really for me in this suffering.
The advice in the face of the power of judgment is therefore to listen to those around you, to stay in this relational connection because we need it, but above all to understand that the other will see in your suffering his and that he will heal himself. himself first.
But then you will say to me: and me then how do I stay in my own resilience with others without judgment?
For this, we must go on the path of our wounds. You have to go inside your life, your soul to understand yourself and then repair yourself without this ineffable judgment.
The heart of the wound with the other
You have to go into the heart of the wound, into the heart of the chaos to know, to get out of it. It is not by avoiding, by judging, by finding all sorts of avoidance strategies that we manage to heal ourselves.
But it is by digging holes in our soul that we can see both light and darkness.
And then the other becomes only a witness and not a judge who can bring you love in your wounds because he will see that you don’t need him to ward them off.
Learning to repair oneself with the other without judging oneself is to touch the heart of the wound with the gaze of a witness.
It is therefore to manage to put oneself in the shoes of the witness without wanting to act, to control.
We have all been in compassion, anger, incomprehension, injustice to think that this should never have happened to our loved one or should never have happened to us.
These judgments are human, are the guarantee of a natural movement of our emotions in the face of life.
We must therefore deal with this and try to make sure we enter the heart of the wound without making projections or at best by saying a simple sentence when a loved one is going through their ordeal: I am here near you.
The heart of the wound with the other is to offer his absence in total presence.
You are there but you are not the actor of what happens in the heart of the wound.
Don’t feel like you have to say or find words. You are there, you listen and you offer your love and do not appropriate the pain of the other.
We need each other in our resilience. It’s an essential relational connection and it doesn’t matter who that person is in their life. He is a witness, a messenger but not a judge.
Sometimes a stranger on the street will make you understand what you are going through more than your own surroundings.
Why ? Because he doesn’t know your injury but the chance of life has sent you a message in silence.
Learn to mend yourself without judging yourself: Appreciate the heart of the hurt, the heart of his hurt opens the way to our resilience in every moment of our lives.